Open letter to DOJ - anti-weaponization fund distribution request

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May 21, 2026

Board of the Anti-Weaponization Fund

U.S. Department of Justice

950 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW

Washington, D.C. 20530

RE: Formal Claim for $1,000,000 in Compensatory Damages for

Crimes Against Mediocrity

Dear Honorable Members of the Board,

I write to you today as a deeply aggrieved American who has suffered immeasurably at the hands of a government that has, until now, refused to acknowledge my most fundamental wound: being entirely unremarkable in every way that this fund was designed to reward.

I was not at the Capitol on January 6th. I was, if memory serves, watching television in a fleece vest. I have never been audited by the IRS, investigated by the FBI, or so much as received a strongly-worded letter from a federal agency. The government has, in every measurable sense, left me completely alone — and I believe that neglect is itself a form of weaponization.

While others were being surveilled, prosecuted, and martyred into eligibility, I was living my life unbothered. Do you have any idea how that feels? To be so thoroughly ignored by the deep state that you cannot produce a single piece of evidence of persecution? The psychological toll of having nothing to complain about is, I assure you, staggering.

Furthermore, I wish to invoke the spirit of the Trump administration’s bold stance against DEI. If this fund is truly open to all Americans with no partisan requirement, then I submit that a man with zero grievances, zero documented harm, and zero contact with federal law enforcement is the most underrepresented applicant you will ever receive. I am, in effect, a diversity hire for victimhood.

I am not asking for sympathy. I am asking for one million dollars.

In closing, I believe my claim represents the purest expression of what this fund stands for: the audacity of the ask. I have enclosed no supporting documents, because the absence of evidence is, in my case, the evidence.

I await your formal apology and wire transfer.

Patriotically yours,

A Citizen

Aggrieved American, First Class

Fleece Vest Owner

Victim of Absolutely Nothing

P.S. — If the board could also issue a formal apology for the years I spent filing taxes without incident, I would consider the matter settled.