I just ran the Chicago marathon and shat myself. AMA

Title.

Finished at 4:19 which is disappointing because I could’ve had a meme finish (4:20) but whatever. In my hotel now licking my wounds while my girlfriend gets ready. We’re going to absolutely get hammered.

Oh, yeah. Story. I trusted a fart. Please. Don’t ever trust a fart. DONT EVER TRUST A FART. Mile 22 im like “oh im almost done! Let me just let this little toot go for extra speed”.

The little toot turned into a stream… guys, a STREAM of shit. It could’ve filled a pint. Idk why I couldn’t stop it even though I was clutching my asshole as hard as I could. It just kept going. Sure enough, it went down my right leg and a girl behind me shrieked “oh my fucking god!”

I sheepishly felt behind me and it was wet. Looked down and behind, nice not-little line going down into my brand new socks and sneakers. I shat myself completely.

Porta potty. Cleaned the poop with napkins. Legs were shaking and of course I cramped in the porta potty and almost fell into the fucking hole.

Please, learn from my mistake. It’s not a fart. It’s a volcanic explosion of diarrhea. Your body is a liar. I’m going to punish it now with shots.

Godspeed runners.